herdofcats


Cognitive Behavioral Posting Board

journaling out of it, one observation at a time


(no subject)
narcolept
wolodymyr
Realized this last week that my instinctive reaction to other people's physical pain - to be very frightened, objectifying, and avoidant - is actually my mother's reaction. It's like I'm acting out her reaction to me.

I totally need to chuck this, to find out what MY reaction is.

The additional problem is that that feels like a betrayal of my mother. I guess because moving on - having different kinds of relationships than the one I had with her - is an acknowledgment that the relationship I did have with her failed.

(no subject)
narcolept
wolodymyr
Vicarious -

I put music on the stereo, and since I think [roommate] maybe won't want to hear it (we're both stressed about exams) I go to his door to shut it, and I kind of hesitate there, because I like him, want to interact with him. He sees me standing there. I have trouble listening to other people eat sometimes, so I've closed the door sometimes for that reason. [Roommate] looks at me: "am I drinking too loudly?" Which he asks sincerely and somewhat abashed, and I'm shot through with shame and concern.

Because, I think, of watching him be embarrassed or apologetic over something perfectly reasonable. People should be able to just drink water! Why would he expect emnity, or think he'd done something wrong, by doing that? But I think the emotional hit is so strong because of MY baggage. I'm experiencing compassion for myself in situations with my mother through him. He's basically stressed about hit own finals, to him it's not what it is to me.

My therapist keeps noting gently that I don't extend compassion to myself. And I realize that I do - as long as it looks like I'm extending it to other people.

I really was afraid a lot of the time, and I wanted love and didn't get it, and there it is.

chemistry final
narcolept
wolodymyr
I'm trying to study for my chemistry final and it's hard. Plus I encounter notebooks for other classes, things I'll have to know for the MCAT. I've been getting pretty down. But I notice that my first thought when I light on any of this stuff is always self-condemning and undercutting: "Oh. Here's another thing I suck at." These are classes I got As in. This is stuff I thought was cool, even if only in chunks, between the initial bouts of self-questioning.

I've been getting pretty down, but, considering what I've been thinking, over and over ("Here's another thing you're bad at. Here's another opportunity for you to fail"), NO WONDER.

I'm trying to look at this stuff and remember what I thought was fun about it. Integration by parts as a game rather than...finding myself onstage at a school talent show in my underwear.

?

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