- (no subject)
- December 14th, 2008
I put music on the stereo, and since I think [roommate] maybe won't want to hear it (we're both stressed about exams) I go to his door to shut it, and I kind of hesitate there, because I like him, want to interact with him. He sees me standing there. I have trouble listening to other people eat sometimes, so I've closed the door sometimes for that reason. [Roommate] looks at me: "am I drinking too loudly?" Which he asks sincerely and somewhat abashed, and I'm shot through with shame and concern.
Because, I think, of watching him be embarrassed or apologetic over something perfectly reasonable. People should be able to just drink water! Why would he expect emnity, or think he'd done something wrong, by doing that? But I think the emotional hit is so strong because of MY baggage. I'm experiencing compassion for myself in situations with my mother through him. He's basically stressed about hit own finals, to him it's not what it is to me.
My therapist keeps noting gently that I don't extend compassion to myself. And I realize that I do - as long as it looks like I'm extending it to other people.
I really was afraid a lot of the time, and I wanted love and didn't get it, and there it is.